


There's No Sunshine

by champignon



Series: Impossible Year [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Coffee Shops, M/M, Past Character Death, Tattoos, a weird tattoo/coffeeshop AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-05
Updated: 2016-07-05
Packaged: 2018-07-21 19:30:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7400914
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/champignon/pseuds/champignon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The weird tattoo/coffeeshop AU that I needed to make because reasons. Don't worry it's only sad like 1/3 of the time I promise.</p>
<p>The city moves on, as it always does. Big cities never sleep, they never slow down. They move on because people move on, because people adapt, because people learn. I haven’t and so the city moves around me. Spring passes and summer comes and I remain here, unchanged. My heart still hurts, it hurts so much.</p>
            </blockquote>





	There's No Sunshine

**Author's Note:**

> I finally finished ( ͡↑ ͜ʖ ͡↑) after months I am releasing this to the WORLD. I wanna thank [Lisa](https://twitter.com/wolveshvnokings) and [V](https://twitter.com/vychun) for being amazing. Thank you soooo much <3 <3 <3

I take in a deep breath. 

My eyes are closed.

I exhale.

One more breath. 

All I can hear is the rain. It’s not a heavy rain, but the kind that gently coats everything with glittering droplets. In other circumstances it would be very pleasant. The water hits the trees above me and builds up until larger drops fall down on my umbrella. They roll off down the gently sloping surface until they reach the edge. Then… Drip. Drip. Drip. Each drop makes a barely audible sound. It’s what I’m trying to focus on. 

But I can’t. There is someone talking. Why is he still talking? It feels like he’s been talking for hours. I don’t want to be here. I want to go home. I want…

“We therefore commit his body to the ground…” I open my eyes in time to watch the black coffin be gently lowered into the earth. I let out the breath I didn’t know I’d been holding. 

All around me are shapes dressed in black, holding black umbrellas, listening to the priest. Did any of them find comfort in his words? We are all standing near each other, as if being together will make it easier to get through all this. As if being together will bring him back. 

Now that my eyes are open I watch the rain fall. Rivulets of water pool around my feet, bringing with them small twigs and leaves from the trees up above. It is summer after all, even if it doesn’t feel like it. A small movement besides me catches my attention. 

A hand. Kageyama’s hand. He’s reaching out for me. 

I reach out towards him and my small hand is enveloped by his warmth. He’s so gentle with me, I never thought he could be gentle. He squeezes my hand lightly and I squeeze back. I can feel him shaking and I realize that I haven’t looked at his face yet. I think I’m afraid to look up. He has always been so strong…

“May his soul, and the soul of all the departed, rest in peace,” the priest finally finishes saying.

\---

“Any words from the family?”

The priest must not have known. I should say something. I don’t want to. I’m barely holding myself together as it is. I don’t look up.

Thankfully I don’t have to speak up. A small man dressed in a sharp black suit speaks first. I think his name is Nishinoya. “He has no living family sir.” He speaks the words slowly, as if he can’t believe what he has to say. His dark eyes hold no visible expression. His face is blank, empty. A small drop lands on his bleached bangs and down his face, mixing with the tears that are already there. 

The priest nods solemnly at his words and moves on.

\---

Kageyama leaves me with a gentle squeeze of my hand. He tells me he’ll wait for me in the car and to take my time. I tell him to take the umbrella with him. I still haven’t met his eyes. 

I watch him walk back up the hill, my back turned away from the fresh grave. His strong shoulders sag underneath his black dress shirt. He walks like some unbearable weight had been placed on him. Is that how I walk? I watch until his black umbrella disappears over the hill.

It’s still raining, a little heavier now. It’s been raining since he died. Fitting I guess. By now the rain has done a decent job of soaking my own black shirt. What was it with funerals and black? I’m pretty sure he would’ve preferred brighter colors over this. 

My hair is being plastered against my face as fat water drops slide down it. Not that it matters anyways, I’ve been doing an awful job of taking care of myself. I’ve missed the last few days of work, told my boss I’d had a death in the family. She didn’t push any further, told me to take as much time as I needed. 

I take a look up, at the grey clouds. They blanket the sky, filtering the sunlight through them, not letting actual rays of sun through. A single drop falls on my nose. I sigh. There is no putting off the inevitable. Not this time. I can’t just turn on a game and pretend none of this ever happened. I can’t fidget with my phone, didn’t bring it. Had to show respect for the dead. He wouldn’t have cared anyways. He would’ve understood.

I turn towards the grave. They finished filling it in as all our friends left the small graveyard. When it happened we all pooled in money to buy him a nice plot a few minutes out of the city. From up here you can usually see the setting sun illuminate the skyline and setting fire to the bay’s water. In a few months this fresh pile of earth will be overgrown with grass. Then we’ll be able to plant flowers on his grave. That would make him happy.

Unconsciously, I start walking towards the pile of earth. I don’t want to think of this grave, with the pristine white headstone and the tall trees surrounding it, as just the resting place for another person I love. I want to be able to remember him as he was. Bright, like the sun that left the sky the day he reached it. 

“Shouyou.” I whisper and an inevitable sob rises from my chest. I’d been doing so well. I hadn’t cried for a few hours. I’d put myself together for him. I had tried. That first sob breaks something in me. A stream of tears begins running down my face, too many for me to just pass it off as rain if anyone was to ask. I kneel at the edge of the grave, gently so I don’t disrupt his rest. All I can do is sit on the wet grass and cry. Cry for him, for myself, for Kageyama, for everyone who lost the spark he lit within us.

I end up laying on the wet grass, one hand on Shouyou’s grave. I watch as raindrops fall onto the earth and are absorbed into the ground. I can feel the day drawing to a close even though there are no shadows to tell the passing of time. How long have I been here? I remember telling Kageyama to wait for me in the car. Is he still there? 

I feel awful. I’m cold and wet and probably made Kageyama wait for me for longer than he expected. I slowly push my heavy body off the ground. I can feel dirt stuck on the left side of my face but I don’t really care. I can deal with it later.

“I’ll see you soon,” I say towards the grave. I’m not too sure those words are true.

When I get back to the parking lot the car is still there but Kageyama is nowhere in sight. In other circumstances I’d sit and wait for him, but today is not that kind of day. I’m cold and I need to get home. I take a look around. Where could he be? There is a small path leading away from the parking lot and the graveyard. Knowing Kageyama he’s probably gone down there looking for a place to be alone - it’s what I’d do. 

I follow the winding path. The fading light barely makes it through the trees. The rain can’t make it through the canopy of the forest and the drops that do make it down are too few and too small for me to actually care about. It’s not like they’d bother me anyways, I’m already chilled down to the bone. I’m sore and slow to react to my surroundings. I feel like a screen has been placed in front of me as I trudge along the forest. A few times on my way down I almost trip on some fallen branches.

I can see Kageyama, he’s sitting on a rock by the water’s edge. He didn’t hear me approach. Good. I take a while for my eyes to adjust to the darkening light. His shoulders are shaking. His blank face is looking out at the endless stretch of ocean that lies beyond. 

He’s not ready to go yet.

I turn around and go back to the car.

As I wait the sky darkens. I can see lightning in the distance, over the ocean, away from the city. The flash of light illuminates the entire sky for just a second, then the booming noise races away from it, towards me. It’s there and then it’s gone within a moment. An evanescent flash of light, a spark, and then nothing. Darkness.

Eventually Kageyama comes out of the forest. I’m leaning against the car, looking down at my feet. He walks over to where I’m standing and pulls me into a hug. He’s shivering, from the cold or from something else. Maybe both. We hug for a long time. I’m not usually okay with being touched for so long. but I think it makes Kageyama feel better. I let him hug me until he pulls away and goes to the other side of the car.

\---

We drive back home in silence.

\---

Wake up. Go to work. Go home. Sleep. Repeat. 

I spend weeks stuck in this endless cycle. I have no will to do anything else. The rainy spring days don’t really help make my mood better. 

My usual hobbies don’t really do much to improve my mood. The games I usually find engaging and interesting seem dull and repetitive. The foods I used to make out of pleasure taste bitter. 

I know the real reason for my shitty mood is because I miss him. I miss playing those games with him, kicking his ass at MarioKart, bothering other people online in Call of Duty. I miss cooking with him and Kageyama. Having to hit his thieving hands when he tried to steal bites of my unfinished work. 

The city moves on, as it always does. Big cities never sleep, they never slow down. They move on because people move on, because people adapt, because people learn. I haven’t and so the city moves around me. Spring passes and summer comes and I remain here, unchanged. My heart still hurts, it hurts so much.

I miss him and it fucking sucks.

\---

The sun is out today. 

It actually wakes me up. I’d been sleeping - I do that a lot nowadays - when a small ray of sunlight somehow managed to sneak in through my closed blinds. I haven’t seen sunlight in months, with all my sleepless nights spent planning a young couple’s wedding and the rainy weather and my seemingly endless sleep.

The sun reminds me of him, there’s a deep ache in my chest every time I see him in everything. Today is no different. I take a second to breathe. In and out. In and out. It doesn’t hurt as much as it usually does today. For whatever reason I actually want to get out of bed.

I push the covers over my bare body. It’s a perk of living alone, I don’t have to worry about anyone see the state of my body. Only I can see the way my ribs make mountains and valleys on my chest. Only I notice how the small amount of muscle I do have is slowly breaking down due to its constant disrepair. I am not proud of myself but I do not care enough to try and do better.

As I dress myself in what I deem to be socially acceptable clothing - a red hoodie and some black skinny jeans - I decide to take a walk. It’d be good to try and enjoy the day, in his memory.

\---

What am I doing here?

Why am I standing inside the tattoo parlor now? It doesn’t look as scary as it did from the outside. It’s pretty well lit and there’s some music playing from the speakers. I can’t make out the rest of the shop because there’s a desk and a door leading to what I hope is the actual tattoo place. It feels like this is all just a reception desk. There’s a tall guy in glasses with too many piercings for me to count sitting there looking bored out of his mind, clicking around on the computer. It’s too late to walk out now, right? We made eye contact and if I immediately just leave that guy would come after me or something. 

Why did I come in again? Right. They had a sign that said Saturdays were their walk-in days. I guess I should ask the guy about that to make it look like I came in here for something. 

“Hey. Shorty. Do you need anything?” I look around and realize the tall dude was talking to me. 

“Oh. Um... “ I shuffle my feet around trying to think of what to ask. Quick, what would Shouyou do? 

Shouyou had always wanted a tattoo.

They guy is giving me a death look so I shoot out, “I want to get a tattoo.” He looks at me with his cold eyes full of disgust. Well, I did just tell him, an employee of this tattoo parlor that I want to get a tattoo. Smart, Kenma. 

“What kind?” 

I hadn’t expected further questioning so I’m not ready to give an answer yet. I blurt out the first thing that comes to mind. “Sun. A sun.” A Sun? Really? Is it too stupid to ask for a sun? I don’t have time to think about this. The receptionist dude gets his back off the chair and leans forward, looking at me with a bit more interest in his eyes.

He pushes his glasses back up his nose and gets up, giving me a look that tells me to stand very, very still. “I know someone who can help you with that.” He walks off, leaving me standing alone in front of his now empty desk. What to do, what to do. His voice did sound a bit more friendly now hadn’t it?

There are some chairs pushed up against the window. I’m sure I could sit for a bit without making tall guy mad. I sit down in the one furthest away from the door, right against a corner of the shop and pull out my phone.

Meow.

What?

Meoooow.

Something rubs up against my leg. I look down and see a very adorable, white cat looking up at me with big, yellow eyes. It flicks its tail and jumps up onto my lap. I hold my hands up and look at the cat. Where did it come from? A few seconds ago I’d been very alone and now there’s a cat sitting on me. It watches me until I put my hand on it and immediately starts purring, it’s eyes closed in pleasure. I move my hands down its soft fur as it settles down, hiding its small paws underneath its furry body. It looks like a breadloaf now. A hairy breadloaf.

A cough distracts me from my cat petting. I look up and see Mr. Glasses leaning against the doorway. “Come with me,” he takes a look at the cat on my lap, “and bring the cat.” 

I’m guided through the door and into the actual tattoo parlor, where the tattooing happens. The first thing I notice is the walls. They are covered in paintings. There are so many and so different from one another. The tall blond keeps walking and doesn’t give me a chance to really appreciate any of the pieces as much as I’d like to.

We end up standing in front of an opaque glass door. The white letters on it say “Boss Man” on them. The tall dude knocks and opens it without waiting for an answer. I follow him, holding the still purring cat close to my chest.

The office is a small square room lit by an open window on its back wall. Its white walls are similarly covered in a large variety of drawings. They all mostly have the same style, complicated geometric line work put together to make everything from a small dog to a portrait of some serious looking man. 

Apart from the art the office is bare, a small wooden desk with a computer and some potted plants sits right in the middle of the room. Behind the desk there is a man. A large man. Tall. Handsome. Focus Kenma. 

The man glances up from his computer, his dark eyes meet mine before I am able to look away. “Tsukki, thank you for bringing him-- SKITTY!” I jump at the shout and accidentally drop the cat, which darts out of the room. “Noooo, why’d you let her go, dude?”

The guy, Boss Man I’m guessing, is waiting for me to answer. I look at him and shrug my shoulders. He raises his thin eyebrows at me. “You can leave now Tsukki, thanks for bringing him in.” Tsukki leaves the room, slamming the door shut behind him, muttering about “that goddamn cat.”

The man gestures for me to sit in front of him. I obey instantly and quietly. I take a moment to study his features, aware that he’s doing the same for me. His dark eyes are black pools that shimmer with light. His dark hair is, in all honesty, a mess. It pokes out in every possible direction, unaware that the laws of gravity have to be followed. Tattoos curls up and down his arms and possibly his entire back. I stop looking at him when his broad shoulders start taking away too much of my attention.

I’m not much of a sight, a tiny body in baggy clothes, and in need of a few warm meals. Even my hair is probably a mess. It’s been a while since I last bleached it and it’s getting a bit too long for my tastes. 

“Tsukki didn’t think it’d be important to tell me your name,” the man’s voice is pleasantly deep.

“He didn’t tell me yours either, Boss Man.” I shoot back in my typical mumble. 

A boom, a laugh, fills the room. “I’m Kuroo Tetsurou, tattooer, artist, tattoo artist. What’s your name?”

“Kozume Kenma.” I answer. I’m not sure this is how tattoo conversations go but I don’t have much experience with them. 

The boss, Kuroo, leans forward in his chair and looks directly at me. Usually I am very uncomfortable with direct eye contact but I feel like this is some sort of test I have to pass before he’ll agree to draw on me. So, with effort, I hold his stare. Black meet gold. Gold meet black. 

After a few minutes of silence Kuroo sits back, satisfied. “What did you want me to draw for you?”

I look out the window when I answer him, “a sun. On my back.” At this point I’m just improvising. Maybe Kuroo will tell me he can’t do suns and I’ll have to leave the shop looking disappointed.

He hums. “I can do that,” well there go my dreams, ”but you gotta tell me more about it. I’ve been doing this for a few years and I don’t think you look like the kind of person who would compulsively get a tattoo.”

I can feel Kuroo’s black eyes watching me, waiting for an answer. What do I tell him? How much do I want to tell him? “I… It’s for someone I care very much about.” I try to meet his eyes and brace myself for more questions. They never come. Kuroo is deep in thought already. It’s incredible, I’ve never seen anyone go from borderline terrifying to focused so fast.

“I’ll tell you what Kozume, I can’t really do this in one session and I get the feeling this is more important than you’re letting on. So you should come back in two weeks and I’ll have a design ready for you.” He smiles at me, showing his perfectly white teeth. I nod. “Wanna know why Tsukki brought you to me?”

I tilt my head. “He said you were good?”

Kuroo laughs at me again. “Actually, I tattooed him and his boyfriend with- guess what?” He pauses dramatically. I stare at him. “Stars and a moon.” Well, that makes sense. Maybe Tsukki was less intimidating and more… observational than I thought. “After I ink you up, I’ll have the full space collection. My boss would love it.” He says that last comment in a soft voice, talking to himself.

When I open the door to Kuroo’s office I end up with cat on my face. The individual holding the cat backs up and begins apologizing to me. “Oh fuck, shit, damn. So sorry dude.”

Kuroo speaks from behind me, “were you eavesdropping on me again Bro?” He uses Bro as if it’s a name for the excited looking man holding Skitty. 

“Broo, I’d never ever ever do that to you,” the man walks past me to drop the white cat into Kuroo’s lap. I stand in the doorway, unsure of what to do. “Here’s the cat, almost ran outside but Akaashi caught her just as he was walking in. He’s my knight in shining armor.” 

Kuroo leans towards the guy for a fistbump. “Before you leave make an appointment with Tsukki for two weeks from now,” Kuroo tells me. “Have a good day Kozume.”

I close the door to his office as the strange man talks begins to whisper something to Kuroo. I hear the word “cute” followed by a thump and laughter coming from the man.

Outside of the studio I make an appointment with an apathetic Tsukki. I think he’s smiling at something on his computer as I’m leaving. The walk home is pleasant, the sun has moved higher into the sky and there is a large lack of shadows. 

When I get make it back into my apartment I head straight for bed. I flop down onto the piles of blankets and sink into them, losing my sense of direction in the process. All I can think about is Tsukki and Kuroo and the excited man and Skitty. What a strange collection of people I met today. I fall asleep quickly, being socially exhausted from today, and dream of darkness. The darkness feels safe and it is easy for me to head into it, in search for something more. 

\---

I actually slept last night. I slept and woke up to my alarm this morning. It’s truly a wonder of nature but I manage to make it into work in time for the first time in forever. I rush in with my bag hanging off my shoulder, phone in one hand and coffee in the other. As I kick open the door I almost knock into Kiyoko, my wonderful and lovely and overall angelic boss.

There are never any greetings with her, just straight to business. “We have a couple that’s looking to get married around the start of winter, think you can handle them?” We walk through our cramped yet somehow nice looking office space. A few other people are sitting in their offices, handling phone calls and such. They give me looks, understandable since it’s the first time I’ve been early in weeks. I must look like a ghost.

I snap back to her most recent question and nod. It’s been awhile since I’d planned a wedding. Doing this would distract me, weddings are a big deal. I wouldn’t have time to laze around anymore, which is perfectly fine. I’m tired of doing nothing all day. “I can handle it.”

“ They wanted someone who would be fast and careful, I told them you are the best we have. Plus,” she adds, “I think it’s about time you got to handle a big event by yourself.” About time I started doing real work and not filing paperwork all day is what she means to say.

“I can do it, I promise.” 

She gives me an appreciative look and nods. “They’ll be around after your lunch break. Daichi and Yachi, a young couple. I hope it goes well.” She drops a folder containing their information on my messy desk. “Clean up a bit and keep me updated,” she says and walks out of my office.

I flip through their folder a few times. It’s the usual winter wedding for them. Indoors, around the holidays but not too close so they can maximize attendance. Their budget is higher than what I’d expect with their ages, rich families maybe? Doesn’t really matter to me, I’m just here to get them the happiness they want. No feelings needed. Not like I’d be able to procure feelings now anyways.

I mess around on my computer all day, answering random emails I’ve been ignoring. Around lunch, as I’m finishing up my nth game of solitaire, Yamaguchi pops into my office and we head to a small sandwich place down the street. We sit down on a table right next to the window. I eat my delicious sub as Yamaguchi tells me about his boyfriend, he seems like a nice guy. 

By the time we leave the place and head back to work I feel ready to meet Daichi and his wife-to-be.

\---

When I walk back into the shop exactly two weeks later Tsukki is still behind the counter, looking as dull as ever. He takes his eyes off the screen to check who I am and makes the slightest movement of his head. I think that’s his way of saying hello. “Kuroo is waiting in his office. You remember how to get there, right? I don’t want to walk you back there again.” He jerks his head towards the door and turns back to face his screen, doing God knows what on there. 

Kuroo’s office sits in a corner of the store which gives me a chance to actually check out the studio. From what I can see the entire studio is as neat as it could possibly be. It’s sectioned off into cubicles, each one corresponding to one of the artists. Bokuto, Lev, Yaku, Yamamoto. They each have different setups, Lev’s seems to be the messiest. Thankfully none of the others are here yet since it is really early on a Saturday morning.

Having spent enough time peeking around, I head to Kuroo’s door. I rap my knuckles against the opaque glass and hear a muffled “come in”. 

I walk in to see Kuroo sitting up against the window, blowing smoke outside, a lit cigarette hanging carelessly off his lips. He smiles when he sees me and throws the cigarette out the window. He sits down on his chair and it squeaks under his weight. With a small gesture he motions for me to sit on the other side of his desk. I plop down onto the chair and bring my knees up so I can rest my chin on them. 

“Sorry about the smoke. I’m trying to quit…” He runs his hands through his mess of a haircut and chuckles, “not really working out for me as you saw… Anyways. Let’s get to business.” He pulls out a few sheets of paper with ink drawings on them and spreads them out on the table. “This is what i’ve come up with so far. We can adjust the size, mix and match, and do whatever else your heart desires. And-” 

I untangle myself and hold up a single finger to get him to stop talking while I take a first look at his drawings, dark lines of varying width crisscrossing to make the idea of a sun. They are chaos and simplicity and beauty. I can feel Kuroo holding his breath and watching me. My eyes scan all the pages a few times until I choose the design that feels the most like him. It has more organic lines within it but manages to maintain a sort of roughness that I like. 

I use the raised finger to push the drawing towards Kuroo. “This one.” Kuroo is still staring at me. “When can we start?”

He looks taken aback by my directness but I kinda just want this whole thing to be over with. “Umm,” he runs his hands through the back of his head, “I guess we can start now, if you’re ready of course?”

In an attempt to keep my cool I stand up way too fast and make myself dizzy. This of courses causes me to stumble over onto Kuroo’s desk, ending up in an unflattering position for me and a very amused Kuroo in front of me. From this close up he smells like cigarettes and flowery fabric softener.

“Pfffftt-” Kuroo places his hand on his mouth, trying to hide his smile. Too late, I saw it you bastard. I push myself off the desk and stumble back. I pull the sleeves of my hoodie over my hands.

I void my face and stare at him. He leans back, balancing his chair on its back two legs. “Come, we’ll get you set up for the tattoo.” 

We walk down the hall to another closed off room. This room has a bit more character than Kuroo’s office; there are paintings covering a large part of the annoyingly red walls. The white cabinets have handwritten labels on them and are placed at weird angles onto the many drawers.

“Alright, I’m gonna need you to take off your hoodie and shirt and whatever else you’re wearing over the top half of your body.” Kuroo turns to me, one of his hands holds a small bottle of liquid while the other has bundles of paper towels.

Slowly, I do as he said to do until my small frame is left uncovered. My hands fiddle and I look down at my feet. Of course I had been expecting this but the reality of the shitty state of my body has just become more real now that someone else has seen it. I hear Kuroo take in a sharp breath. I can feel his eyes on me and it feels disgusting. I am disgusting. “Kozume…” 

“Don’t.” I can’t help but bring an edge to my voice. I quickly put on everything I had just taken off. He opens his mouth again. “I said. Don’t.”

“Are you okay?” He blurts out. 

“Does it look like I’m okay?” I ask him. He shakes his head, words appear to have left him. I decide to leave before he can ask anything else me. “I’ll see you in a week. Goodbye.”

I’m halfway out the studio when Kuroo catches up with me. He places one hand on my shoulder but immediately lets go when he notices how tense I get. “Kozume, wait…” 

Why the hell does he sound so… worried. I turn around and find him looking down at his feet. “What do you want?” I ask very carefully, making sure none of the other people out here will be able to hear us.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked. I just… I’m sorry, okay? Come back when you’re ready and… just make sure you get something to eat beforehand. I don’t want you to faint while in my care.” I give a curt nod and leave the shop. 

I’m angry. Why am I angry? More importantly, who am I angry at, Kuroo or myself? Kuroo was just worried. He had no right to be worried though. He doesn’t know me. To him I’m just another random kid that wants to get a stupid fucking sun tattoo. This probably happens all the time. He’s probaby a natural worrier or something. So Kenma, don’t be mad at him. 

This is all because of you. This is your problem and you have to fix it. 

You gotta make sure no one has to worry about you anymore.

Over the next few weeks I try to build up anything over my bony frame. I’m able to gain a few pounds, which I think is a valiant effort considering my small size. When I feel ready I call the shop and tell Tsukki to let Kuroo know that I’ll be coming in tomorrow.

Here it goes.

\---

“You ready, buddy?” Kuroo asks me. He places a soft hand on my bare shoulder. I turn my head and find his eyes. They’re deep, dark pools that wash over me. When he looks at me I feel oddly calm. I nod and he gives my shoulder a soft squeeze.

When I walked in and pulled of my hoodie Kuroo said nothing. He watched me the entire time and then nodded when I stared at him and forced him to do something, anything. So there was that. Now all I have left to deal with is my fear.

I don’t know what to expect. Will it hurt as much as that time I almost cut off my finger when I was trying to make a cake with Shouyou? Will it be over before I know it? Will I regret this over the rest of my life? 

I don’t notice that I’m shaking until Kuroo grabs the hand I had curled up against my side. He turns my palm up and rolls his thumbs around it, making small spirals against my palm. My eyes flutter, closing as I watch the repetitive motions his hands make. 

“Take a deep breath, Kozume.”

Kenma. He should call me Kenma. “Kuroo…” I say it a bit above a whisper but Kuroo catches it anyways. He hums, a deep vibration coming from the depths of his chest. “It’s Kenma.” 

“Alright,” he turns over my hand, once again using his thumb pads to rub my tense hands, “Kenma.” 

Laying here, in Kuroo’s studio I feel too calm. I haven’t felt like this since the days Shouyou and I used to spend laying around on his backyard, watching the clouds, trying to find shapes within them. Is this what it feels like to accept someone’s death? That worrisome weight I’d been carrying around lightens up. It’s definitely still there, I will never be able to forget him. Maybe that’s why I’m here, with my bare back ready to be marked permanently in his memory. 

“Shouyou…” I try to speak but a croak comes out. I realize my cheek is wet. How long have I been crying? 

“Kenma, we can start whenever you’re ready. Take your time.” Kuroo has a soft voice and his warm hands relax me. I don’t understand why. The only person who was able to calm me down this much was Shouyou. It feels weird to feel the same way without him here. 

“G-Go ahead,” I manage to whisper out. 

“Okay Kenma,” Kuroo takes a moment to slide on a new pair of white latex gloves. As he snaps them on puffs of powder fly out into the air. “This’ll be a bit cold,” he warns me and begins rubbing a cleaning solution onto my back. It isn’t cold, really, it just lets me feel every movement of the air as it hits my back. It makes my back hypersensitive. I can feel Kuroo moving behind me, getting everything ready.

Kuroo lets my back dry before he starts lightly drawing the design on my back. He takes his time, making sure to get every detail right. In a way it’s relaxing. I close my eyes when he tells me to. I take a deep breath when he says to. He asks if I’m ready. I say I am. I feel his cold hands on my back.

It passes by quicker than I thought it would. At first it stings, then it’s numbness all over my back. My own body refusing to let me feel pain. What a good body. Two hours later it’s finally over. Kuroo pats my shoulder and asks me to stand back up so he can wrap my chest in plastic film to keep the tattoo away from “dirt and shit”. 

I say thank you and head up front to pay. Kuroo trails behind me, looking like he wants to say something but unable to get it out. As Tsukki hands me back my card Kuroo finally moves forwards.

“Kenma?” I look up at him expectantly. He takes a moment and then shakes his head. “Nevermind. Call us if anything starts bothering you or just come in and I’ll take a look if I’m around.” 

I nod through his awkward speech. He’s said this hundreds of times, why does it feel so forced now? I’m not gonna ask. When have I ever been one to ask. “Okay. I’ll… see you around?” 

Kuroo offers me a small smile. “Yeah, see you around.”

I’m not entirely sure when I’ll see him again. A part of me hopes it will be soon.

\---

One fateful day, I head out of the office early. Daichi’s wedding is coming along pleasantly. His best man is very helpful and seems to know more about Daichi than Daichi knows about Daichi. It speeds up the whole process, leaving me with the option to go home early.

I walk down the street, not really paying attention to where I’m going, more focused on the phone game I’m playing than on anything else. I take an new route home, aware that I may get lost. I walk past a small shop with an open door and stop. I close my eyes and breathe in.

My nose is drawn to the rich smells that come out of the door that is held open with a flower pot full of small yellow flowers. A small chalkboard sits outside laying out today’s specials in a font that’s close to becoming illegible and decorated with some, dare I say, pretty damn great drawings of flowers.

It smells like... The sound of a machine grinding down some coffee beans confirms my thoughts. Fresh coffee. How long has it been since I’ve had a good cup of black coffee? Usually I stop by a chain store on the way to work but I woke up late today and I haven’t had a chance to get my fill of caffeine. 

I take quick glance into the coffee shop and do a doubletake. Inky black hair, looking as if it just got out of bed, sticking out at odd angles. Well, this explains the nice drawings on the chalkboard. My brain is screaming at me to walk away but I can’t. That man did something I wouldn’t have trusted another person with. I can’t just ignore him. I haven't seen him in over a month anyways, he probably doesn’t even remember me. Plus, the coffee smells really damn good.

A steady breath and a few steps later, I step up to the counter, unsure of what to order. I look up at the menu. The names are… interesting. The sizes seem to be “Moon”, “Planet”, and “Star”. In fact, most of the drinks are space themed. Most of the pastries on the shelf seem to be decorated with stars and other planets. Weird.

I’d never actually ordered anything other than plain coffee, Shouyou or Kageyama always ordered the fancier drinks for me while I went to find a booth for the three of us.

“Hello! Welcome to Maia Cafe may I- Oh. Kozu- Kenma?” Kuroo stumbles halfway through what I take is his usual greeting. I take a look over at him and find that he’s looking at me with a large smile on his face. He’s wearing a long black apron, the same shade as his hair, that shimmers when he makes any movements. When I tilt my head in acknowledgment he quickly dries off a mug he had been cleaning and steps over to the register. He glances at me as he logs into the computer, his eyes playful. “So, what can I get you?”

Once again, I throw my eyes up to the menu. Unfortunately I can only make sense of about five words. “I’m… um… not really sure?”

Kuroo throws his head back and laughs, the sound hearty and loud. The few people in the shop look over at us and I hide the flush on my face in the sleeves of my sweater. “My boss? Ex boss? He got weird with the names. No worries, little guy,” Kuroo throws me a careless grin, full of sharp, white teeth. “Go sit on a stool over there and your drink will be right out.” I pull out my credit card with the intent to pay for my drink but Kuroo pushes the card away from the register. “Now, now, this one’s on me.” He pays for my drink, sliding his own card through the cash register. 

“Shoo, go sit.” He waves me away and turns back to the machines that hiss and bubble and seem overall dangerous. I walk over to one of the stools and clamber on, lacking any elegance a taller person would’ve had in this exact situation. I gotta say, the extreme friendliness takes me aback. I’ve only seen the guy on like three different occasions yet he acts as if we’re already best buds.

Out of respect I put my phone away and watch as Kuroo works. He’s completely immersed in his job, moving back and forth between different machines with a flow that you can only get from years of doing something like this. I’m sure if I went back there I’d break every single thing I touched. He moves his hand to fiddle with a knob - which causes steam to whistle out of a nozzle - while stirring something into a large mug. Kuroo whistles along to the music playing in the coffee shop, oblivious to my observation. A piece of hair falls over his eye. A quick twitch of his head sends it back to its rightful place. One of the machines on the other side of the bar starts whining. I open my mouth to warn Kuroo about it but he’s there before a word escapes my mouth. 

Everything about Kuroo is natural and flowing and calming. Watching him make this mystery drink for me, listening to his voice when he was marking my back with my own piece of sunshine. 

I force my eyes away from him. I was staring.

A light breeze carries in the smell of the past rain through the open door.. The afternoon sun shines in through the window behind me, setting alight everything it touches with its golden light. Shouyou would’ve liked it here. He would’ve been talking to Kuroo right now, making small talk about whatever he happened to be into at the moment. He would’ve ‘ooooh’d’ and ‘aaaah’d’ at the bags full of coffee beans that lay behind the counter, asking where each one came from and what they tasted like and--

I look up and see Kuroo is shining. The golden sun highlights his messy hair. His dark eyes reflect the setting sun. Sparkling as if they know all the secrets the universe has to offer. And he’s looking right at me, a soft smile on his face, lost in his own world until my eyes meet his and he suddenly remembers he has something in his hands. He takes a few small steps towards me, carefully balancing the cup so nothing spills out. “All ready,” Kuroo gently sets a mug and a small piece of chocolate in front of me. He stands in front of me as I slide my drink closer to me and peek inside. 

“Is that a…”

There is a cat made out of the coffee foam, staring up at me with big golden eyes. It’s big ears reach out towards the edge of the mug and long whiskers made of chocolate syrup come out of it’s foamy nose.

“A cat.”

“Cute,” I say quietly, forgetting once again about Kuroo’s ultrasonic hearing. Kuroo beams and his cheeks redden slightly. 

“Try it,” Kuroo nudges the mug, “make sure to drop in the chocolate before you do though.” He turns around to clean his workplace, leaving me to try my mystery drink.

I follow his instructions and drop in the chocolate square right through the cat’s nose. I grab a small silver spoon Kuroo had handed to me and gently stir the coffee. It smells wonderful. Like vanilla and coffee and chocolate and… mint? The closer the mug comes to my lips the more smells I notice. None of them overpower each other, blending together instead.

When the hot liquid finally touches my tongue it isn’t as overwhelming as I thought it’d be. One flavor leads to another and another and another. Kuroo seemed to be a man of many talents. I hum in appreciation of the flavors. Warmth fills me from the inside out and I hug the mug close to my chest.

Kuroo lets out a gentle laugh as he watches me. “I’m glad you like it Kenma.” 

“Thank you.” I say, allowing a small smile form on my face. It feels good, to smile, and it makes Kuroo smile’s grow even wider. 

“No problem.”

\---

I always find myself at the cafe on Monday nights as I head back home from work. It’s not like I plan to go there but it just… happens. I’ll be playing around on my phone or texting Kageyama and then I’ll suddenly smell fresh coffee and hear weird indie pop and I’ll just walk in. There are never too many people when I’m there so Kuroo takes his free time to talk to me. He’ll doodle on spare napkins as we talk, small mindless patterns that are as intricate and lovely as he is. Every now and then a customer will come up to the counter and Kuroo will step over to them with a warm smile and take their order. From what I can tell everyone loves Kuroo, his smiles make people blush and look away, his jokes make them laugh.

Kuroo always looks up and smiles at me as he works. His smiles are warm. They remind me of summer days laying out in the sun after swimming in the pool, looking up at the clouds. It’s sharp and bright and it kinda hurts to look at but it’s too nice to look away. You make up excuses just to stay out there a bit longer, to enjoy the warmth. My heart flutters around my chest every time our eyes meet. Deep black pools that manage to draw me in, wanting to know more. Sometimes I feel like if I dive in deep enough I’ll be able to catch whatever makes those dark eyes twinkle, that funny little secret he keeps just out of my reach.

Kuroo tells me all about himself, not bothering to ask if I want to know. He tells me about his two jobs. The tattoo shop is more of a hobby to him, something he does for the heck of it. He’s glad Bokuto lets him work there, he doesn’t know what he’d do without Skitty. It’s nice to get money thought, from doing something he loves. He works at a coffee place to hide the smell of smoke that usually hangs off of him. Apparently he hasn’t smoked a thing in a few weeks which is “pretty damn good”.

Kuroo always makes sure he has time to pull out his phone and show me his artworks. They’re beautiful, intricate patterns. Straight lines form polygons which form shapes and so on. When I tell him this he gets flustered and looks away. Later in the month he gives me a small envelope and tells me it’s a gift. I open it to find that there’s one of his cat drawing inside. My heart somersaults in my chest.

I learn about Bokuto. His best friend since elementary school. They grew up together but ended up in different high schools, which was “so uncool” according to Kuroo. They reunited in college though and got a cat and named her Skitty. When Bokuto finally had the money and enough people who would be willing to work with him he opened up his tattoo shop. Kuroo was the first one in, the one who had tattooed their first customer. To me it sounded like they’re very close, more than friends close. I even made a point to ask Kuroo about the state of their relationship. Kuroo laughed and told me that the only ass Bokuto had eyes for was Akaashi’s but they did enjoy platonic cuddling. “That’s what friends are for, y’know?” It sounds a lot like what I used to have with Shouyou. I’m glad Kuroo has that with someone else.

Apparently the cafe was owned by two college friends who had known each other since birth. But one of them had gone abroad for a year over the spring and left the responsibility of the coffee shop to the other. The one who had stayed placed a lot of trust in Kuroo. Kuroo was always the one to open and close up the shop since he worked here over the week and at the tattoo shop on weekends.

In return I try to open up. Small things- favorite games, shows, books. I tell him all about work, how I’d planned this guy’s wedding only to have him walk out after his best man left halfway through the ceremony. The topic of my tattoo never comes up, just like he promised. I never talk as much as Kuroo but he doesn’t seem to mind. Every little thing I tell him about myself makes him smile. 

I really like making him smile.

\---

The days grow cold but I keep showing up, glad for my fill of caffeine and Kuroo. He gives me his number and tells me to text him whenever I’m coming so that he can come up with a new drink for me. He sends me daily pictures of Skitty in return. I settle into the routine and Kuroo falls into it, he’s not forced into it he just kinda… fits. Like a missing puzzle piece in the mess of my life. 

The door isn’t propped open by a flowerpot anymore, the chalkboard with today’s specials sits on the window. The days have been growing shorter as winter approaches. The city holds its breath, waiting for the cold to come. The leaves grow orange and leaves litter the sidewalks. 

I head into the shop one particularly cloudy day. Kuroo sets a drink on the counter for me as I’m shrugging off my coat. It smells like the ocean this time. He gives it to me with a smile, the ones that make my heart beat against my ribs in a way I didn’t know it could. I take a sip and can’t stop the smile from forming on my warm lips. Kuroo reaches over and grabs my chin with his hand, wiping foam off the top of my lips with his thumb. His face is dusted in pink. His thumb lingers over my lips and he’s looking at me with wide eyes and-

My phone vibrates, breaking the palpable tension. The screen lights up with a message notification. A picture of Kageyama, Shouyou, and I on a couch acts as my background, I’m sitting between them, Shouyou’s arm around me, pulling me closer while he holds the camera up with his other hand. Kageyama is looking at Hinata with a small smile on his face. Out of curiosity and a need to distract himself Kuroo looks over at the screen. 

“Who is that?” Kuroo coughs discreetly, pointing right at… I freeze, slowly putting down the mug and looking down, away from Kuroo and my phone. The ache in my heart that Kuroo had somehow muted in the past few months comes back. It hurts more now, now that I’m not used to the pain anymore. I shake my head once, twice. My mouth opens but no words come out. I am frozen because the sun has set and he is gone and I will never see him smile like that again. I will never see Kageyama smile like that again. Fat tears fall down my face, reminding me of the rain on the day of his burial.

I don’t notice Kuroo moving around the bar until he sits down onto a stool next to mine. 

“Kenma, I’m sorry,” he’s leaning down to talk to me but is unsure of what to do, his hand hovers right above my shoulder but he doesn’t place it right on me. I’m glad he doesn’t, not in public. “Can you wait here for a second? I’ll be right back, okay? Don’t move.” He walks off through the ‘Worker’s Only’ door. I watch as it swings shut. My phone lays forgotten on the table, the screen turned off once more.

I focus on my surroundings. There are a few people sitting around on the booths, deep in concentration. I hear someone mouthing along to their music. The open door is letting in a cool breeze now and the setting sun is barely lighting up the coffee shop. Small lights hanging around the ceiling at uneven heights give the room a warm glow. 

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Kuroo comes back out and quickly unties his apron, pulling it off and hanging it back up on a hook by the door, A tall, handsome man follows him out. “Thank you so much Iwaizumi,” I hear Kuroo say to him in a hushed voice. 

“Don’t worry about it,” the other man, Iwaizumi, whispers back, “you’re free to go now.” 

Kuroo thanks him again and walks over to me. “Let’s go,” Kuroo places a large hand on my shoulder, “I’m taking you home.” He squeezes my shoulder. I nod and let myself be guided back out into the night. 

The sky is white, glowing. We walk side by side, shoulders bumping. I guide Kuroo in the direction of my apartment. The night is quite cold, the wind makes my cheeks sting. I sniffle, which makes Kuroo look over at me. 

“Didn’t you have a coat?” He asks me, his voice soft so as to not bother the quiet night. 

I did. “Well, I did. I think I left it back at the coffeeshop.” My explanation causes his eyebrows to furrow. He silently shrugs off his own long coat and gestures it towards me. Does he want me to… Before I can deny his offer I feel the coat being placed on my shoulder. It’s heavy, warm, and smells of coffee.

“Don’t you dare give it back,” Kuroo tells me jokingly. Did he know I was about to say no to him?

We walk together in silence. I felt kinda shitty. Okay, not kinda. I felt really fucking bad. Kuroo had left his job to take me home after I panicked. All because he’d asked who Shouyou was. All because of small talk. This was all my fault. It’s been months since… since it happened. I should be able to talk about it, I want to be able to talk about it. Kuroo deserves to know. He really does.

While I’m lost in my mind I don’t realize that Kuroo had moved closer to me. He grabs my hand and I snap back to the present. I look down to confirm that yes, his hand is currently grabbing my hand. His thin fingers are currently curled through mine. His thumb is rubbing over my thumb. I look up at him to confirm what I’m seeing. 

Kuroo looks down, his lips thin in worry. “You were lost inside your head and didn’t hear what I said,” he explains to me. He says it all as if he’s telling me about the weather and not the reason for… this. I make no effort to pull my hand away so he just keeps holding on. His hand is warm against my own.

We return once again to our comfortable silence except this time I can’t zone out because the feeling of his skin on mine is electrifying. I am unable to focus on anything else. Cars pass as we walk down the sidewalk. Groups of students walk by us in complete ignorance of what is happening. What is happening? Am I being saved from my own mind by this tall, handsome, dark man?

Almost home. One more block and I’m home. 

I turn to ask him how he’ll get home but my voice stops cooperating when I see the snow.

It’s all around me. Us. The city is muted. All I hear is our breathing. I see the white clouds of air forming around Kuroo’s face when he exhales, imitations of those that hang in the sky. 

It falls lazily around us. Big, fat flakes of white snow falling from the white clouds up above. It’s the first snow of the year. The flakes float down around us, twisting and twirling as the cool wind moves them along. Kuroo looks up and smiles wide. He closes his eyes and lets the snow surround him. Snowflakes fall onto his long lashes, onto his dark hair, onto his lips… 

I force my eyes away from him and turn them upwards. The snow seems endless as it falls down. I childishly stick out my tongue, hoping one of the flakes lands on it. They melt as they land on me, small droplets forming in their place. To think this is what happened when Shouyou was buried, except it wasn’t as cold back then. Same idea, different form. For some odd reason this doesn’t feel as cold. It should. It doesn’t.

A squeeze of my hand draws me back to earth. Back to Kuroo. “Where is home?” He asks. I point down the block to my apartment building and he tugs on my hand in a signal to walk in that direction. I stumble along, too distracted by the snow and by him and by me to worry about walking. 

We get to my door and he turns towards me. His dark eyes look into me. His dark hair falls over his eyes, it has grown since the first day we met. He leans over to brush a stray strand of hair out of my face. He tucks it behind my ear.

“I don’t want to go,” he says.

“Stay,” I say. 

He holds me until I can fall asleep. I am small in his arms- smaller than I’ve ever felt- yet somehow I feel safer than I’ve felt in a long time.

When I wake up he is gone but his heavy coat rests on top of me. I clutch at it with my hands and take a breath in. It smells like him. Smoke and coffee and ink. I bring it closer to me and fall back asleep. 

\---

I return the coat. I keep going to the coffee shop. Kuroo doesn’t mention that night. I’m glad. 

The days tick by. Work slows down, no one really wants to have a wedding in the middle of the winter holiday season, so I just head in to finish up paperwork. Kiyoko tells me I can have extra days off over the holidays, she’s an angel.

I keep expecting something to happen. Not sure what, but just something to break the routine I’ve settled into. 

Kageyama invites me over for dinner on Christmas. Neither of us wanted to be alone. When I go over I see that he’s stored or thrown away a lot of Shouyou’s things. How awful it must be to have to live in the place where the sun used to shine even in the darkest of nights. 

When he sees me looking around, he says he’s moving out of here soon, into a smaller apartment. I offer to help him pack up. He graciously accepts my offer, telling me he has to be out before new year’s eve.

A small unlit tree sits in one corner. Underneath there is a pile of presents. Four total. One for each of us and two for him.

It’s our first Christmas without him.

\---

8:00 AM - KoolKat (^~^) - new year’s party, yes or yes?

Doesn’t look like I have many options.

8:03 AM - You - Yes.

8:04 AM - KoolKat (^~^) - yesss, my place at 8 tonight. you can meet brokuto for reals now

8:08 AM - You - dress code? 

8:08 AM - KoolKat (^~^) - just wear something hot

Hot. What the fucking hell Kuroo.

8:08 AM- KoolKat (^~^) - please dont punch me for saying that

\---

The first thing I experience when Kuroo opens the door is Kuroo himself. In a button-up and slacks that pull tightly on his legs and shoulders and don’t leave much up to the imagination. My heart is already not okay.

The second thing I experience when I walk into Kuroo’s apartment is a blinding smile and a charming laugh. 

Oikawa. 

That jerk. He moved out of the country a few months ago and dropped out of the radar. After a week of failed texts I gave up on him, knowing he wouldn’t be gone for long. He hasn’t changed since I last saw him. He’s perfectly perfect (or at least tries to be.) Every hair is in place. Every word is thought out. Nothing about Oikawa Tooru will ever be wrong. He’s the kind of guy that just happens to be friends with everyone (Kuroo being part of this everyone apparently) and happened to have the opportunity to go work for a big business company in Europe. When asked about it all he says is “it just happened.” People call him a humble man but they’re so wrong. So, so wrong.

We’ve been friends for so long that I know about all his secrets. His unhealthy obsession with anything alien-related. His binge watching of conspiracy theory documentaries in the middle of the night. The fact that his hair is actually perfect in every possible way and if he tells you otherwise it’s a lie. His need to wear glasses because “beauty comes at a price, my eyesight being the price in this case.” I saw his baby pictures when I went to his parent’s house one year, I’ll never let him forget that. He wore glasses and had braces for most of middle school. Oh, he also has the biggest crush on his childhood best friend (whom I never met because “that part of my life is behind me”). Whatever, man.

And now here he is. The great Oikawa Tooru. In all his business-casual goodness looking as pure as he ever has in a white dress shirt with rolled up sleeves, the top three buttons left unbuttoned. I don’t know what you’re up to, Oikawa, but it’s probably nothing good. 

Oikawa looks towards the door when Kuroo opens it for me and excuses himself from the conversation he was having. He practically runs up to me and wraps his long arms around my small frame, resting his chin on top of my head. I hear Kuroo gasp behind me and start to warn Oikawa about my whole no touching rule. Oikawa is the type of guy to hug random people so Kuroo’s worry is understandable. “Dude, duuuude what the hell are you doing? Oikawa I swear-” Oikawa ignores him and continues hugging me.

“Hi, Tooru.” My greeting shuts Kuroo up in confusion. I look over my shoulder to find him staring at me with his mouth hanging open. Oikawa releases me and pats my head a few times. 

“I missed you, how you been?” He was asking because of Shouyou, of course. He’d left before any of that had happened. Tooru turns and leads me towards the kitchen, a quiet place to talk. We leave Kuroo behind in a sort of stupefied daze.

I shrug my shoulders, “getting there…” 

“Let me know if you need anything, okay?” That would’ve been nice to hear months ago, but I let it pass. I’m sure he has his reasons for leaving. He opens the fridge and begins rummaging through it for any snacks to satisfy his endless hunger, “so how do you know Kuroo?” His head is inside the fridge now.

He held me as I cried. He marked my skin. Keep it simple Kenma. “He works at a coffee place that I stop by when I head home from work.” It’s not really a lie. I just left out the important things.

Oikawa pokes his head out of the fridge and raises his perfectly trimmed eyebrows.“I see.” I hold back from pushing him into the fridge. He’d have my head if I ruined his pretty face. That’s the thing about Oikawa. He’s really perceptive, more than people give him credit for. I used to be in his room the night before games as he watched the opposing team’s old matches, figuring out how they worked, what made their gears tick. I’m smart enough to appreciate that right now he knows I’m leaving out details but also knows me well enough to let it be. 

“How do you know Kuroo?” I ask, curious about how these two parts of my lives managed to collide without my permission. Oikawa takes a bite of something but sets it back down with a grimace on his face.

“He works at my coffeeshop,” Oikawa says as he slams the door to the fridge and moves to lean next to me against the cool kitchen counter, letting the meaning of his words settle in.

I blink. “Well. That explains all the weird-ass space names.” Oikawa appears to be greatly amused by my observation. Wait a minute. What had Kuroo said about the owners... of that shop… If he is one of them then that means that-

“You left your coat at the shop ag-”

Iwaizumi stops dead in his tracks. He looks very nice and just happens to be wearing the opposite of what Oikawa has put on. A black dress shirt as dark as his hair. He’s holding my coat, which I apparently forgot when I was getting some much needed coffee last night. Iwaizumi stares past me at Oikawa. His face reddens. Well then. This is awkward.

“Hi,” Oikawa says quietly, “Iwa-chan.” Iwaizumi stays silent. I take the silence as my time to leave the kitchen and go find the gracious host of this party. I walk past Iwaizumi, grabbing my coat on the way out.

I trip on Kuroo, who is standing right outside the kitchen, leaning against the wall, casually listening in on the conversation (or in this case lack of conversation.) I feel his hands on my waist, saving me before I can fall face first onto the floor. My face is definitely redder than I would like it to be. He smiles at me. Damn that smile. “Did you do that on purpose?” I ask him. I don’t miss the fact that his hand still rests on my hip and his chest is nearly touching my own. I take in a deep breath as I attempt to control my erratic heartbeat.

He proceeds to ignore my question and instead continues smiling at me. He definitely did it on purpose. The moment Oikawa took me away and Iwaizumi walked in with my coat he saw it as a chance to create an uncomfortable situation centered around me. “How do you know Oikawa?” 

It seemed Oikawa hadn’t told Kuroo about me either. “We went to university together. Business majors. I was top of class. He really wanted to be top of class so he decided that becoming my friend would be the best way to distract me. He convinced me to join the volleyball team, we had some pretty great double-setter set-ups. Anyways, in the end neither of us were at the top of the class so...”

“Wow… I think that’s the longest I’ve heard you talk since we met.” Kuroo sounds absolutely amazed. I punch him which leads to him fake crying until I pat his (muscular) arm. 

He’s still laughing when a blur of a person slams into him. “BROOO,” I hear Kuroo shout, clearly delighted. It takes him a few seconds to peel the man, the legend, the Bro, off of himself. He throws an arm around the other’s shoulders and pulls him in closer. “Kenma meet Bokuto. Bokuto meet Kenma.” 

The silver-haired man bows dramatically to me. His gold eyes are slightly unnerving. His shiny silver shirt doesn’t help calm down the effect he’s having. I can clearly see ridiculously buff arms. I don’t ever want to anger this man. “It is a pleasure to meet you. Kuroo has told me so much about you,” he says teasingly. I look over at Kuroo only to find his gaze purposefully draw away from mine. 

“Pleasure is mine. Kuroo talks a lot about you as well.” My voice is soft compared to Bokuto’s excitement.

Bokuto perks up when he hears this. “Bro, you really talk about me?” Kuroo nods. “Bro…”

A tall man with hooded eyes moves out of the crowd to stand next to Bokuto. His dark shirt is striking and frames his thin body. He places an arm around Bokuto’s waist, letting his thin fingers hoop around one of Bokuto’s belt loops and pulls him away from Kuroo. “Now, now Bokuto. We talked about this. You gotta relax, alright?” The man’s voice has a strangely calming effect on all of us. He tilts his head towards Kuroo in a slight greeting. Kuroo waves back.

His gaze turns towards me next. His dark eyes don’t try to hide the fact that I am being read like an open book. He holds out his free hand. “Akaashi Keiji, pleasure to meet someone sane around here.”

I grab his hand and am surprised by the strength behind the greeting. “Kenma Kozume. Nice to meet someone that doesn’t leave my ear ringing after meeting them.” My words make Akaashi’s eyes glimmer and the corners of his mouth lift up slightly.

“Come get a drink with me, Kenma. Lets leave these two up to their… antics.” 

I follow Akaashi away from the two friends and towards a less crowded part of the apartment.

“So how do you know the bro team?” Akaashi asks and winces at his own words. 

I explain my involvement with Kuroo, tattoo and coffeeshop. Akaashi is a good listener, always involved in some way. We end up talking (and drinking) for a big chunk of time. I’m listening to a ridiculous story involving Kuroo, Bokuto, and a dare when we are interrupted by someone saying my name. Why would someone here know my name? 

I look up from my spot on the floor and see Yamaguchi. Why the hell… Tsukki walks up to my coworker and flings an arm around his shoulders. 

“Kenma, hi!” Yamaguchi gives me a smile. I wave back and make a point to stare at Tsukki until one of them acknowledges their… couple-y ness. “This is Tsukki, the boyfriend I told you about.” 

“Oh hey, you’re that short one that came around a few months ago,” Tsukki gives me a weird smile-sneer. “Nice to see you.” 

Yamaguchi blushes and quickly apologizes for Tsukki’s behavior. “He’s had a bit to drink, I’m so sorry.” He changes topics. “I didn’t know you got a tattoo, what’d you get?” 

Akaashi, sensing my discomfort at answering the question, comes to the rescue. “He got something on his back I believe. I heard you two had matching tattoos as well.” I give him a thankful look and turn back to listen to Yamaguchi tell us the story of their moon and stars tattoos.

\---

We somehow end up playing a drinking game. Akaashi invites a taller man by the name of Lev to play with us. He has striking silver hair, bright green eyes, and is a complete klutz. I make sure to sit as far away from him as possible.

I don’t understand the rules of the game so Akaashi takes me under his wing. He’s a great player so we win every round, leaving us in a good spot somewhere around tipsy. Everyone else is not in such a good spot though. Yamaguchi and Tsukki are gone after the third round. Lev is in the same spot he was in when I met him. I definitely won’t feel sorry for him tomorrow morning. Oikawa joins and leaves halfway through the game after a phone notification makes him stand up and run out of the apartment. Sugawara shows up for the last round. Why he is here beats me. At least until Yamaguchi squeals and hugs him with the ferocity of a drunk 20-something year old.

Akaashi puts an end to the game after five rounds. He takes care of Tsukki and Yamaguchi while I hold up a very tall Lev. After a few minutes of him standing up he begins to tilt. I tug on his arm and drag him to the living room couch so he can sit down. Unfortunately life hates me so the bastard grabs onto me as he falls down, pinning me underneath 170 pounds of limpness. 

I wiggle my head out and look around for anyone to help me. “Help,” I say faintly. A man nearby turns around at my plea. A man… Daichi?

Okay what is with this party. Did Kuroo find everyone I’ve interacted with since I met him and shoved them into a room? I’ll have to ask him about this sometime. For now I have more… pressing matters. Daichi is still looking at me as if he’s the one that’s seen a ghost. 

“Daichi, please get this giant off of me,” I beg him. He moves into action and manages to push back Lev’s heavy body off of me. I wiggle my feet out from underneath him and struggle into a standing position in front of my ex… employer?

He rubs the back of his neck and laughs. “Hi, didn’t know I’d see you here.”

“You know Kuroo?” I ask him.

“Oh yeah but my friend Oikawa invited me... I seem to have lost him though.” Oikawa fucking Tooru. Next time I see him we’re sitting down and having a real conversation about where the hell he disappeared off to for months without telling me.

I smile at Daichi. “Tooru left a few minutes ago.” Daichi’s mouth makes an o-shape in surprise. “He’s like that don’t worry.” I look around and am unable to find his fiance, oh excuse me, his wife. Yachi always managed to make me laugh. I think it’s because she reminds me of Shouyou. I wouldn’t mind talking to her tonight. “Did Yachi come here with you?” 

Daichi’s smile drops from his face. “Oh… um… No.” He takes a few seconds before moving on. “We never went through with the wedding.” His hands wring together in discomfort. That is… a shocker. They were an amazing couple. Their wedding planning was one of the easiest things I’ve ever done thanks to their relaxed attitudes. Was it something I did?

He sits me down on the couch next to a snoring Lev. “It had nothing to do with you. Your wedding planning was amazing. Some… things were said to me by someone I care about and it made me be unable to follow through. Yachi was very understanding. I still love her very much just… not in a ‘I want to marry you’ way.” 

“Okay…” I process the information. They seemed so happy. Everything had gone so smoothly… I guess some things in life just don’t work out the way you planned, huh?

Daichi suddenly loses focus, he turns to me and quickly says “I have to um, I have to go see about someone. Something. One. Uh. I’ll see you around Kenma.” He rushes away from me, leaving me alone on a couch with a sleeping silver-haired cat-man. 

I sit alone until Akaashi comes back to find me. He drags me back to our little corner, apologizing for taking so long. I tell him about everything that happened while he was gone.

\---

“Akaashi could I borrow Kenma for an indeterminate amount of time?”

Akaashi shoots what I’m starting to think is his “signature look” at Kuroo. “I’m not the one you should be asking.” He says and walks away from me with a small squeeze of my shoulders and a miniscule smile.

Kuroo rubs the back of his neck and smirks at me. Who does he think he is, smirking at me. I place a hand in my pocket, holding onto the safety of my phone. “May I take you away, good sir?” He offers his hand to me. I take it, dropping my phone back into the safety of my pants, and let him take the lead.

“Is this the part where you murder me at your party and place the blame on an unsuspecting victim? I propose Tooru, he would try to get away with murder.” Kuroo chuckles and leads me away from the crowd of the party and out onto his balcony. I move to stand at the very edge, looking at the city move underneath my feet.

Kuroo waves his fist. “Dammit Kenma, I was gonna keep you alive and have Oikawa pay the ransom but you know too much. I’m sorry it had to be this way.” 

There is a clear shift in the mood as he moves forward until his feet hit the back of my heels and looks down at the street over my shoulder, I feel each of his deep breaths on the nape of my neck, warm in the winter air, and can’t help the goosebumps that form on my skin because of it.

“You won’t actually murder me right?” My question holds a lot of unsaid words. Can I trust you? Will you hurt me?

Kuroo laughs, it’s a deep and rich sound. I can feel the bass through his chest. “Believe me you’re the last person I want to murder. Oikawa would definitely be up there but I love that bastard too much. He’s like… an evil teddy bear. You still sleep with it even th-” Kuroo stops talking very suddenly.

“You sleep with it and?” I try to lead the conversation in the exact direction Kuroo was trying to avoid.

I hear mumbling from behind me “- once…”

“I’m sorry could you repeat that?” I turn around to face him which means I have to look up at him. Height differences are unfortunate. The lights bounce off his sharp cheeks and seem to be eaten up by his dark eyes. 

“Kozume Kenma, you...” I? His eyes are distant, looking more into the past than at the horizon. He doesn’t answer my question or finish his sentence but I don’t need him to. He takes a few steps back, giving me the space I like to keep around myself even though I didn’t ask for it. His soft voice demands to be listened to. “It’s funny…” I don’t speak, waiting for him to continue. “I didn’t know you a few months ago but I can’t remember what my life was like before you... To think if Tsukki had been in a worse mood he wouldn’t have brought you to me. Just one little thing and we wouldn’t have met.”

I don’t say “Just a few more minutes and he’d still be alive.” It doesn’t need to be said. Kuroo knows as well as I do that lingering on the past is not a safe thing to do. You can get lost in the memories and forget to live the life you’re supposed to live. The past can grow into a monster that will consume you until you are nothing but a shell of what you used to be.

He lets out a short breath. “It doesn’t matter. It happened and now we’re here because of it. Thank you for being here Kozume and not running out of the shop when Tsukki stared you down.” 

I laugh lightly, so lightly that it leaves the idea of a laugh and not the actual sound of it. “I almost walked out actually but Skitty didn’t let me.” Kuroo smiles at that. I really like his smile.

The door to the balcony slides open and Bokuto pokes his head outside, interrupting whatever this was. “Yo, one minute warning,” he tells us.

“Thanks, Brokuto.” I say before I can stop myself. The reaction to my words is unexpected, to say the least.

Bokuto’s face lights up and Kuroo drops onto his knees. “Bro- Broku-” Kuroo is unable to finish the sentence, wheezing for air in between laughter. 

The silver haired man steps forward and gingerly rubs the the top of my head, aware of how picky I am about casual physical contact. “You. I like you, pudding head.” He high fives a still grounded Kuroo and steps back inside, leaving the sliding door open slightly.

I watch as Kuroo pushes himself off the floor and wipes his knees, making sure his slacks are still pristine. We don’t talk as we both move to lean against the railing, looking out at the city we call home once again. I see some early new year’s fireworks going off in the distance, away from the skyscrapers of downtown. They whiz up, leaving a trail of sparks behind them and then they momentarily disappear into the night. And then they explode. Showers of color arch their way down into the night through clouds of smoke. They keep coming, small points of light in the darkness. 

I guess that’s what our lives must be in the lifetime of the universe. Small flashes of brilliance and then nothingness. The only thing to remember us by is by those moments in which we shine the brightest. Those moments that make us say “this is why I am alive”.

Behind me the countdown starts. 

“Ten!” They shout, blissfully unaware.

“Nine!” I see Kuroo’s shadow move closer to me.

“Eight” More fireworks starts going off close to the city.

“Seven!” I remember to breathe. I grip the railing until my hands turn white.

“Six!” I try to avoid turning my head, unsure of how close he is now.

“Five.” Kuroo whispers behind me. The voices from the party suddenly seem insignificant.

“Four.” He grabs my hip, gently twisting me until I am facing him. His eyes are alive in the night. 

“Three.” His other hand moves to tilt my chin upward.

“Two.” He leans down. His lips hover above mine.

The city holds its breath. I am unsure of what to do with my hands.

“Happy new years, Kenma.” Lips meet. A flash of light in the dark.

It’s a dive off the deep end, an edge of excitement and fear over the unknown. It’s every moment spent together. It’s him patiently placing irreversible marks on my bare skin. It’s him smiling as he watches me. It’s every stolen glance, every stolen touch. It’s me letting go of my ghosts. It’s me finally stepping over the precipice and finding his open arms waiting for me, not letting me fall.

It’s me and him.

It’s my hands suddenly knowing what to do and wrapping around his neck, running my fingers through his undercut and feeling him shiver at my touch. My eyes flutter shut, my lashes glide across his skin. I pull him closer and he hums and pulls me even closer in return. His hand drops from my chin and snakes around to the back of my neck. He threads his fingers through my hair. Our lips are soft and gentle, contrary to what I expected they would be.

He doesn’t do anything else, doesn’t complain when I pull away to catch my breath. He looks at me, the softest smile forms on his lips. A shy smile, unsure. Of course, I’ve been a mess of feelings ever since he met me, he doesn’t know what to think of this.

The night sky is alive with lights now. They surround us. 

I need to do something so he doesn’t worry. Quietly, merely above a whisper, I ask him. “Can we… do that again?”

He smirks, a sign that the annoyingly cheeky Kuroo I know is back. “Well someone’s eager,” he wiggles his eyebrows at me.

“If you keep doing that I’m leaving,” I tell him with a straight face.

He doesn’t answer. Instead, he uses that hand that rests on my neck to push me forward. 

Our lips meet again. And again. And again. 

\---

On the first day of spring, exactly a year after his death, I take Kuroo to Shouyou’s grave.

He drives both of us out to the small cemetery overlooking the bay.

I lead him up the hill, passing through countless other graves. They all look the same. Blooming flowers surround the graves, marking paths for us members of the living. The day is sweet and clear. A cloudless blue sky extends as far as the eye can see. The calm ocean reflects it, making the horizon disappear from sight. Small songbirds fly from branch to branch, filling the air with the sound of their made up songs.

I grab Kuroo’s hand. Our fingers intertwine, forming an unbreakable grip. He squeezes, unsaid words of encouragement, I pat my pant packets, feeling the packet of flower seeds I brought to plant on his grave.

I spot the grave, sitting on one edge of the cemetery. It’s white headstone is still untouched by time, still pristine. There is a bundle of flowers sitting over the soft grass that’s beginning to grow. 

Kuroo lets go of my hand and I approach the grave by myself, a soft smile forms on my face. “Hi, Shouyou. There’s someone I want you to meet… I think you would have liked him.” Kuroo’s soft footsteps let me know he’s here. “Kuroo, this is… Hinata. He’s the reason we met.”

Kuroo smiles and sits down next to his grave. “So this is who I owe my thanks to…” Kuroo looks up to me with his bright black eyes. “Can you tell me what he was like?” I smile. I’d love to do that.

\---

Right now- sitting here, next to his grave, next to Kuroo- I don’t feel sad. Before, I wouldn’t have been able to sit here and tell stories about us, but I was a different person back then.

Now, if I know one thing, it’s that Hinata was never truly gone.

He lives forever in my memory.

He lives forever on my skin.

He lives forever in the sun.

**Author's Note:**

> :D This is one part of a 3-part series that takes place in the same time frame. I have 0 clues when those two will be done... Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed~


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